Just Me

The last few weeks have been a bit difficult for me.  Yes, I have had some amazing times but nonetheless it has been rough.  A few weeks ago, Daniel and I had a pretty gnarly fight.  There was yelling, screaming, and crying.  It lasted longer than normal but brought up some serious issues.  Issues that I didn’t even know existed.

We have always had problems that some couples never truly face simply because of our situation.  How we handle those issues is also different.  Unfortunately, our methods are not working.  As a result, we had both built up feelings, frustrations, and anger to a point where it was affecting our entire marriage.  The affection was dimmed, the sex wasn’t too hot, and our communication was almost non-existent.

Stress has been a huge factor in it all, work, finances, the kids, and just life.  For me, the added pressure on myself for losing weight and my normal craziness made it all the worse.  I felt it was easier to hold some things back because I hate arguing on the phone and the problems I was having would have led to arguments.  Then when he’d get home, I didn’t bring it up because he was already in a bad mood.

All of this affected me in a way that I didn’t realize was happening.  I was so wrapped up in my own head, I hardly talked with him even on normal things.  There was a distance he felt that I didn’t realize was there.  And in the bedroom?  I didn’t really want anything to do with him.  Of course I didn’t feel this on the surface.  I really did think things were okay.  Stressed, but okay.

At one point he thought I was pulling away because I wanted to leave him.  Oh boy, was that a slap in the face.  He had been preparing himself for my leaving.  All because we weren’t talking.  We weren’t being honest.  Hearing those words come out of his mouth hurt in a way I cannot even explain.  Then I felt guilty.  I felt it was my fault that he felt this way.  I still feel the guilt.

But I know we both are at fault for this entire mess.  There are things we both have to change.  Oddly enough, after many hours of talking, I found out there were things he still held in the back of his mind from when we first met and things from my past he wondered about but didn’t have the answers.  Those answers he needed helped explained more about me and why I do the things I do.  I would have never guessed those things would have been important now.

Never in all of this did I feel the desire to leave him.  I did wish at times he hadn’t come home because of his attitude.  But I never wanted to leave him.

We have talked more in the last couple of weeks than we have in the last several months.  Months.  It has been pretty bad for months.  Looking back now I can see the parts that sucked big time.  I can see just how bad it was.

Our little getaway was essential for confirming our desire to stay together no matter what.  That we need to work on things and that we want to fix the bad stuff.  We needed the time to ourselves.  We came THIS close to losing it.  And I had no idea.  It was like being doused with cold water.

It isn’t easy making the time to talk about the important stuff daily especially with kids, school, work, and life.  But we are doing it.  I will not ever let him feel that he is losing me.  I do not want any other person in my life.   We both have things to work on.

More communication, more cuddling, and more honesty will fix us. Sometimes a harsh dose of reality is needed.

As a result of all of this, I feel very drained.  Hence, my absence from the blog world.  I am exhausted emotionally, mentally, and physically.  In many ways, it is in positive exhaustion.  My focus has been me, my husband, and the boys.